Mom enough. | The Love Letter Weekly

For all the women that feel like their life is overwhelmed with the measure of their motherhood.. or the denied access all together.

As a mother for less than a year, I can attest to “mom guilt” being a fresh new feeling.

Around 3 months postpartum, I started to get these anxious spells where my heart would bleed for mothers who faced harsh realities. From childhood sickness to missing children, it seemed that any tragedy that befell a child became my personal heartbreak. But what happens on the other side? The moments where you have your baby, but can’t drop everything to bask in their light?

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I am living between my parents’ and my in-laws’ houses, saving for a new home.

My husband and I were living in a dilapidated trailer before my son’s birth and were forced to face facts. The closer his arrival came, the closer we were to a new addition to our family, but a loss of some of our independence.

It has been uncomfortable, but it has been a great way to ease my way into motherhood. There are sleepless nights and fussy spells, but I’m blessed to have a family that loves my baby like me.

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Not only do I have a wonderful mother, a great mother-in-law, a sister, and a sister-in-law who are all mothers, but I also have mom friends.

I’m lucky and blessed, but I still feel the weight of being “mom enough”. If I’m not cooking, cleaning, and working while being an outstanding mother, then I can feel like a failure.

I know, I know — it’s primitive, but it is biological. My son is the center of the universe, but it makes it feel like other parts of my life are on hold.

I haven’t been gainfully employed in over 3 years, I’m a newlywed (under a year), I’m working on becoming debt-free and getting paid to be creative, but it all takes a backseat when I hear my son whimper.

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My family has been amazing in letting me navigate life with so much help, but at times I feel survivor’s guilt for having a luxury that even they may not have had.

From the day before my son was born, I’ve been surrounded by love. Family came pouring into the hospital as soon as it was clear his arrival soon come.

As gracious as I am for my support system, there are moments when I resent the help. It makes the baser parts of me feel like I’m not as capable.

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Now, don’t worry; I’m in therapy, but I’ve found myself measuring my blessings alongside my shortcomings. I am now learning not to define my grit by my struggle.

Instead, I find gratitude that the overwhlem of motherhood doesn’t have to be a ball and chain. So many mothers face difficult decisions daily, but I hope that my story can be a beacon of light. Even with all the resources and all the help, there are still moments where I don’t feel “mom enough”.

I know now that I can only unlock that by unlocking the grace and gratitude to live by love. Embracing the love people offer is much better than the doubt that fear creates.